Its Been Awhile

Dear Blog,

Sorry to my 3 followers, and my Mom (HI MOM) who read my blog, or don't, I'm not really sure :-)

I haven't written in awhile, but a lot has been going on. My daughter turned 9. Which as I said earlier made me feel old. Half of my time with her (as me being in charge!) is gone. I hope I'm doing her right, because sometimes I wonder.

We had a health scare at our home recently as well. My husband so graciously interrupted girls night (one of the very few I get!) with extreme lower back pain. Now, let me tell my version of this story (my husband's is slightly different, but this isn't his blog):

My husband, who anyone who knows him would back me up on this, knows he does not go to doctors! He has to be dragged kicking and screaming, or I like to laugh and call him Dr. Delmar, because apparently he went to medical school sometime in the last 13 years of me knowing him without me catching on, because he sure seems to think he knows a lot about diagnosing himself. Anyway.... he calls, interrupting girls night, saying I need to come home, because he is in pain. I'm like, ok ok, I'll be there soon. Rolling my eyes and telling my best friend, I have to cut girl night short. Well, 45 minutes later I finally get around to leaving. My friend was right in the middle of a very intriguing story and I didn't want to be rude and cut her off!!! (although for the life of me, I cannot remember what she was telling me about). As soon as I get in my car, my husband calls, wondering if I'm almost home. When I tell him I just left, he starts yelling at me telling me to hurry and I should have been home an hour ago! At this point I start to wonder if this is something serious, but only slightly, because I know if it is, I'm going to have to fight him tooth and nail to get him to the ER.
 I finally arrive home and both my children are in there coats and shoes ready to go. My husband gives me a look from hell and says, "Load the kids up, we are going to the ER."
                                                                    HOLY CRAP!!!
Now I start freaking out. This cannot be my husband, or at least this is what extreme pains looks like on my husband. He is actually willing and READY to go to the doctor. I load everyone up, call my father-in-law to meet us at the ER and pick up the kids. (which is a true blessing, because we were there for awhile). I do all the good wifey things. Drive slow as to not cause him extra pain, fill out all his medical paperwork, undress him for his hospital gown, all the while apologizing profusely for not getting home quicker! Luckily I have a forgiving husband and he forgave me (as soon as they pumped him full of pain killers). Turns out he had a 4mm kidney stone in his right kidney. The doc finally sent us home at about 1:00 AM and told him he would just have to wait until it passed. The next day the ER called and informed me the radiologist didn't like the look of something in my husband's left kidney and that he needed to have a sonogram ASAP! Now, of course medical professionals are trained to only give the patient information like appointment times, account balances and prescriptions. They would not tell me anything, except it might be a cyst, but we need it looked at RIGHT AWAY. Not the best approach to a wife who has had very little sleep, a husband on pain killers, and no shower. We have the sonogram and make an appointment with a Urologist. In the meantime it takes a WEEK for my husband to pass his stone. Poor guy, he was pretty miserable.

Christmas and New Years come and go, and then we find ourselves in the Urologist's office. I know instantly, I DO NOT LIKE this doctor. He is unfriendly, avoidant, and blames my husband for not bringing him enough information. Basically all we get out of this $450 appointment is that my husband needs another CT scan before he can determine if it is Cancer or not. Yes, that is right, he used the C-word without any following information except for the fact that my husband is PROBABLY too young to have kidney cancer. Oh, yeah, (in a sarcastic tone) that is real comforting to someone who comes from a family with cancer all over the place. So I cried all afternoon, after I left my husband and son to go to work.

My husband has his second CT and we are back in the office of Dr. Zero Compassion. He walks in, says "I didn't see anything alarming, you can go." He starts to leave and I'm like... WHOA WHOA WHOA... get back here, so what do we need to do? Dr. Zero Compassion say, "Oh yea, you should get another CT in about a year to make sure the cyst is not changing, I'll see you in a year." Wife, to herself: "Like hell you will."

So to sum it up, my husband does not have Kidney Cancer, but he does have a cyst in his kidney that we will be monitoring. We will not be returning to Dr. Zero Compassion. When we left the urologists office, you'd think I would have been relieved, but I wasn't. There was something about this doctor's approach that made me want to get a second opinion, just to be sure he was right. My husband convinced me that was not necessary and that in a year he'd get checked and go to a different doc. I hope he's right.

I'm just reminding myself everyday how blessed I am to have my family, health insurance, and a great support system. If this had turned out to be the worst, I know we would have been surrounded with more love than I deserve.

Birthday

So today is my 29th Birthday. 29 is such a weird age.
I remember when I thought 30 year olds were so OLD and MATURE. I do not feel like either of these things! I keep waiting to feel like I'm an adult, but it never seems to happen. I'm not freaked out at the idea of turning 30. (well at least not yet, I have a whole year to get freaked out!) What really freaks me out is that since I am now 29, in a little over a month my daughter will be 9. Now that seems old and mature. How can she already almost be 9? Half of my time with her is almost over. I keep telling her to stop growing, but apparently I do not have that type of control. It was kind of funny this morning my dad wished me a happy 28th, and after I corrected him, he said he was trying to remember what he was doing the day I was born and he said he couldn't remember. Now I will give him credit, it was 29 years ago, but I do not think i will ever forget the day my daughter was born. That day changed my life forever. Maybe that was the day I became an adult? Maybe I get to spend the rest of my life feeling like I did that day because that was the moment all my priorities changed and I became respondsible. That's really what being an adult is all about anyway, right? I guess I'll stop waiting to "feel" like an adult and just relish every minute I get to spend with the now almost 9 year old who changed me forever.

Inside Outside

I've put a lot of thought into why people blog. I think there are several reasons:

#1. People are generally self centered and it is an appropriate way to talk about themselves without feeling self centered.

#2. Some people are looking for fame, like those new "YouTube" stars that keep coming out of nowhere.

#3. There is a specific topic someone wants to share with the world about. Like the people who blog about only donuts or wallpaper.

#4. Blogging is the new way to journal.

Number four is the one I am most intrigued by. It used to be journaling or keeping a diary was a very private matter. No one wanted their big brother to find their journal, read it and then have dirt to make fun of them about. No one wanted their parents to know what they truly thought about inside their heads. So why now is "blogging" the new "journaling?" Are people becoming more and more comfortable with sharing their inner most thoughts with the entire world? Or is it truly because bloggers want to impact other people's lives by sharing their honest inside out story?

I know personally in my blog, which I realize only has four posts, I have been fairly vague about the specifics of what I am writing. Do I need to reach a point of comfortablenss with my blog that I share my insides with the outside? Does every detail, feeling, thought, and opinion really make for a good blog? Or can I keep up with the vague descriptions of what I'm going through and still feel as though I've said what I needed to say?

Waiting.

I HATE waiting. Waiting may be one of the worst things in life. I hate waiting behind the coupon lady at the grocery store who refuses to use her debit card and must write a check. I hate waiting in traffic. I hate waiting at the tag office. I hate waiting in lines for a public restroom. I HATE WAITING!

Well, I was given some disturbing news last week that is requiring me to wait. The problem with me having to wait is I sit up at night thinking about all the "what ifs" and then I dream all night about the possible outcomes of my "what ifs". Then during the day I procrastinate on projects and tasks because doing them may impact my "what ifs." Then I get anxious, I get tired from all my vivid dreams, and I can barely concentrate on anything else. I'll admit it, I probably hate waiting because I have a slight tendency towards being controlling... or as one mean lady told me once... "You are control freakish!". I really don't think that is a word, and I do not think I'm a freak about control, I just want to know what is going to happen!

I know I can't control this situation, and no amount of thinking, dreaming or anxiety is going to change the outcome. I just wish it was over. I know God has a plan for me, and whatever is the result of this change will be for the best. I just wish in the mean time I could have on "off" button for my thinking.

Getting Older Every Minute

I find myself at one of those significant points in life when I need to make a mature, adult decision even though every fiber of my being wants to choose the reckless, spur of the moment option. Most days of my life I "feel" like I'm no older than a crazy 18 year old girl, but today I feel like the "grey-haired, getting older-every minute, 28 year old that I am." Now, I know, 28 is not THAT old, but I do have the grey hair and all these adult decisions make it feel old.

I've noticed that as I get older, God as strategically placed people in my life that have an abundance of wisdom that needs to be imparted on me. Most times I feel overwhelmingly blessed by these people and at others times I feel nothing more than annoyed. I have consulted three of these such people about this major decision and the first, in all her wisdom, told me exactly what I needed to hear, because it was simply the truth. The second person, totally irritated me (enough said). The third, in her absolute sweetness supported me, but also pushed me in the direction of the mature adult decision.

So, two out of three said what I wanted to hear and three out of three said what I needed to hear (even if it totally annoyed me). So I guess I will be an responsible, adult, 28 year old and make the right decision. Thank you wisdom filled, and slightly annoying friends. Without you I would be a reckless mess.

ED

Blogging....

Soooooo, a few people, whom I trust, have told me I should blog. Blogging, hum.
 Well I read several blogs. Some friend's blogs, some (Pioneer Woman) etc... but what do I have to say?

I even told one such friend, if I blogged, I'd probably get in trouble. But then I thought... "Get in trouble?, I'm an adult... at least I'm suppose to be." Who is going to get me in trouble? If I blog, these are my thoughts, right? So maybe I do have something to say. Maybe someone would like to read what I think about.

So here I am. Blogging. This really goes out of my comfort zone, hence the title "uncertain me". So here is what I think I have to offer: I wear many hats. I'm a woman, a wife, a mother, a therapist, a Christian, a sister, a daughter, a friend, I'm not perfect (nor do I want to be), and I'm a major goofball. I love all these hats I wear, although I can be uncertain of where I actually fit in all these hats. So bear with me, this blog will be rocky, uncertain and goofy. I want to write, and I guess this is the way to get it out there what I think about. So here goes....